Well hello good people of the blog I can only assume your somehow so ridiculously bored or wish to laugh your pretty heads off when I begin my inane ramblings about movies you can only guess at.
Well let me prove you positively RIGHT.
Now I wish I could have started this some time ago as I've watched so many bad movies in the past that I wish I had written about.
WELL NO MORE I SAY! NOW IS LE TIME OF ACT!
So to start you silly little folks out I'll review two movies that are related to each other if only vaguely and metaphorically.
RECON 2020 THE CAPRINI MASSACRE + THE MEZZO CONSPIRACY
Now the easiest way of seeing if a movies B or not is seeing how many extra Z's X's or other unused words of the alphabet the title tries to squeeze in while looking cool.
I mean honestly who the hell thinks "Caprini" is a cool word?
I guess if your into making alien gargen.
Ok I'll start with The Caprini Massacre as it is the first of the series (Yes I sudder at the thought of the fools who made these movies making more then one.)
We start our movie with generic sergent man who loves his crew but is a toughy; wait wait...
I have to explain the plot
oh god.
So in the future, we have fifth dimensional aliens totally having the grey head minions *yea like those generic naked aliens that every farmer from the south seems to claim exists. No offense Southies.*
Anyways the Grey head aliens wipe out humans and the humans run to different planets living in fear of the crazy shit these mofos will do to them.
yatayata.
Anyways theres some damn massacre on Caprini and our lovable black sergeant must take his squad to investigate. Yea their so fucked eh?
Anyways the seemingly premise of this movie is how many god dang monsters/things from generic things from movies they could fit in here.
SO our sergeant and random assorted crew (we have the hot pilot along with all the other generic characters of our beloved b movie casts.)
Apparently this massacure was those damn fifth dimensional aliens totally testing out their awesome l33t skills in halo and pwning all the nubz
well ok they were just fucking around with some new tech or some shit which makes human myths and other such things come to life. Yea I was pretty surprised to.
We had vampires, werewolf's, dinosaurs, giants bugs (what myth is THAT from?!) and zombies.
Along with these witty additions to the sci-fi genre we had some rebel human dudes and cyborgs.
With all this SHIT you'd really expect that the movie would be non stop action right? Wrong!
Apparently the director really loved going into detail about going around checking corridors.
I mean how many times do I have to F**king hear that damns sergeants voice say "Check your flanks* as they slowly make their way though a large open area as the camera shows a damn cyborg ogling them from the rafters.
When we actually get to the action its some of the sadest sort! Lest the cyborg shoot out. I mean
I can understand that cyborgs are metal and shit and can take a lot of bullets; still I mean if your programing a AI you'd think you'd give it SOME stratigy right?! No of course not we'll just have it stand in the open with a pistol (WTF?!) in a five miniute shoot out with our beloved sergent.
Other fight scenes include our sergent meeting a friend from the "war" who turned rebel and they now fist fight to the death, as well as a random dude going off to take a leak and getting zomged by zombies.
I could go on and on!
But I have to get to the next movie >.> But to sum it up what I hated most was the fact that they actually had 3-d and the rebels/squads actually had relitively cool costumes.
I hate the misuse of good costumes
SOME OF US DON'T HAVE MONEY TO WASTE ON SHIT AZZ MOVIEZ!
Onto the sequal (which was announced at the end credits of the first as the sergent flew away in his shippyship being followed by an apparent Star Trex rip-off wannabe.)
Sadly enough this movie was better; this was the sorta b movie I watch b movies for.
Yea sure you could tell the cast/director realized he was making shit ass movies and decided to add in some porno graphic elements but I mean its the realization thats key in any good bad movie.
The intro of this movie baffled me; from what I could tell was this;
Intel says go in the fucking ice.
The fucking ice is cold
Everyone fucking hates the Intel
Intel is a pmsing bitch on high heals
Fifth dimension aliens apparently are to poor to make their cyborgs look different from the first one.
Snow worms are more deadly then most any gun wielding alien
Never expect evil rival guys from the last movie to be actually be dead; they aren't
Fifth dimension aliens think reviving evil rival guys are lolz worthy.
it was lolz worthy.
OKOKOK- yea still bad as hell but at lest this time there wasn't as much damn corridor walking/flank checking and more sorta reasonable shoot outs (ok not really)
I mean honestly I liked it because of the apparent suckness of all the squad members, I seriously lost track of how many of them died to hidious snow monsters, perverted rival evil guys, and cool ass bag wearing fuckers.
I think the only thing I'd change would be to have more of those bag wearing fuckers
those fuckers were cool
cool as fuck.
Also leave out those damn porno partz! I mean I know your trying to get me to watch this movie but come on I RENTED A MOVIE CALLED THE MEZZO CONSPIRACY!!! Its not like I'm expecting some god dang political romance novel.
AND WERE THE HELL WAS THE CONSPIRACY?!?!?!
It was the ice.
Well, this is nothing less than genius, that's all I can say.
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