Returnerf

Hey there guys, its been a while and it is my hope to begin more seriously posting reviews in the hop of a few followers. As you may have noticed, not to long ago I had a guest review do a movie; much thanks to him for the time. I plan on doing guest reviews every once in a while, and to also, hopefully keep up a constant review time table.
so without further nonsense talk!

TRANSMORPHERS TWO


This a sequel to a movie review that you may (or hopefully don't) remember, in which I complained on instances of hideous basic things such as GUNS
and basically anything that would have even made this at all entertaining.
WELL THIS ONE CONTINUES IN THE FIRT'S LEGACY.

Characters

I've sorta come to the conclusion that in all the B movies I've watched there really, is no clear point in remembering the characters names, you might as well describe them by tab numbers so that at lest when they die you don't have to F**king refile in your mind who the HELL he was.
Our main character in this novel is a recently returned Iraqi war veteran (to make "MODERN" just in case you forgot what the hell Iraq was)
He was a "drone" controller, this being necessary due to the fact that at lest ONE person in the small backwater this all takes place in that knows a little about machines.
We also have the mayor who later becomes a tribal leader of sorts when the machines take over. It was mildly galling if only because he was even more stereo typical African American then even I would have thought. Well lest he didn't die, so I suppose threes that.
Theres a techi FBI agent that comes that helps out as far as questions and doing any sort of computer work that might otherwise bore us. She also proves to be the comedy relief despite what I had origionally thought, so I spose theres that.
We also have the lady folk that fitting straight in does nothing, says little, and further more is annoying to extremes that would even make machines pimp slap her.
I have a feeling she'd still be annoying even without a head though.

PLOT

Its noteworthy to point out that this plot as well as this entire movie is merely an attempt made much like the first to reap the rewards of an already popular movie. Its actual existence is drawn to a fine point in the hopes of dollar profits.
What this story involves is a small...
SMALL
town seeing the horrible doom that is the machines coming. We have the returned veteran going to repair his ex's tv (look at me! I can be an emotionally movie hur hur!)
While figuring it out the satellite randomly turns into a big ass robot and he's like W-T-F mate?!
after one hilariously ridiculous hour later of running, driving, random wandering and vague explanations they find that they must stop these robots from giving a signal to all their alien bro straps. FROM THE RADIO TOWER.
anyways they think they do it and end up not really, flashing forward a year (the movie seemed about as long as the freakishly silly tacked on extra last half) and we find the robots coming again.
kill peeps, forcing em underground, being generally evil without really truly making any sense.
Our main character and lady decide to stop them with others such as the mayor and the techie gal. It seems these robots are gonna terraform the planet. They blow it up and essentially make all the planet uninhabitable.
We end the movie with a copy and pasted scene from a DIFFRENT movie it was ripping off (terminators..? o_O) of the main character stating, "You are not alone, they may take our land they may do shit, etc, etc we are the resistance, and I am John Conn- err wait."
OK so maybe it wasn't like that but you get the gist.

Animation/Budget
If you consider only having four robots throughout the entire movie a "good" thing then this movie is up your ally, in fact its knocking at your door like a poor auto company. We had a satellite robot, a cellphone robot and lastly a strange bee...thing robot, but you know big. Cus otherwise it'd have just been to gay. Other then that the only really "improvement" over the first was the fact that the fake gun shooting was less noticeable with what might have ACTUALLY have been blanks. But I could be wrong.

The Bad
Besides being a sickly attempt at some money there is really to many things in this movie that made even the hardest of souls wish for a long prune bathing session. Honestly the acting was bad, the characters dull and plot had no reason other then to maybe (thats a LARGE maybe.) explain the events that caused the second movie. Which I hate to say was just a TAD more interesting. Did I mention all of this happens in nowere's ville? I mean why there? Why are these guys supposedly the last alive or the last to go underground? What gives?

What I liked
The one maybe only redeeming quality of this mash of trash was a certain techie character. Sure her voice grated like a unsharpened hack saw, but the snarky comments were worth it. Its like she read the script and realised that her entire life had in fact mounted to this one moment, and that this moment, was fucking SHIT. You could almost drink the hate off her voice. Most of the characters had varying levels of this tone but it was in this one character that so well exemplifies the badness of all that was seen here. `

Guest Review: Horrors of War

Horrors of War Review:

This movie was supposed to be about a special weapons factory in which a Nazi doctor is creating a formula that allows the Nazis' Super Soldiers to become zombies, thereby creating an impervious and bloodthirsty machine of war. The American forces essentially travel around a forest aimlessly encountering Nazis, a couple of French women, a werewolf(?????), and, ultimately, a few zombies.
The movie ends with the Americans encountering the doctor, and subsequently taking him down.
I say "supposed," because this movie is riddled with inconsistencies, plot holes, bad dialogue, and atrocious special effects. The main point of the movie is essentially pussy-footed around until the near-end of the movie, where everything crashes down in a non-sensical implosion of "wtfs".

Pros: Very little of this movie was actually positive at all. I would say perhaps the best thing about this movie was how absolutely hilarious it was... and it was only because we were laughing AT the movie rather than with the movie. Absolutely terrible. I guess it was an all right way of spending a summer night? Little more than that.

Cons: This is a mountain to climb. There are so many things wrong with this movie, that I don't even know where to start.

First off, the deception was what riled the viewers and me up the most. The cover was an epic scene of an entire sea of Nazi zombies in a city-center, which is supposedly Berlin. Boy, were we in for a surprise. We knew something was up when the movie started out in a forest.... progressed in a forest..... and then ended...*GASP* IN A FOREST. Where the hell is the city? Where the hell was the sea of zombies? Nothing that was promised to us on the cover of this movie was delivered in the actual movie. This was the first of many disappointments.

The acting wasn't terrible, but I only say that because the dialogue was even worse. Given what the actors had to work with, I'd say they actually did a mediocre job. The dialogue was riddled with contrived war-movie cliches that were painful to listen to, and the acting was almost self-aware of how ridiculous the script was. This does not bode well for a movie's professionalism, seeing as every single attempt at a serious situation in this movie was blatantly transparent, and ultimately ended up with raucous laughter from the viewing crew. It was probably more difficult to restrain oneself from not making fun of the movie, than it was to watch the movie the whole way through. Actually, I don't think there was ONE SINGLE SCENE in which there was not some disparaging comment made towards the movie. It was that bad.

Plot: Jesus Christ. This is where things get tricky. The story itself was so immemorable, that rehashing it accurately might prove to be a bit of a problem.

So the movie starts out with a crew of Americans fighting the Nazis in the woods. Okay, etc. etc., Americans clear out Nazis, move out. All of a sudden they discover a captured American soldier. The American soldier tells them a story about how the Nazis brought a strange man-like creature on all fours to the camp, and that a strange man with sunglasses was present. The man soon left (???), and then the creature escaped. He went on to kill every single Nazi there, but for some reason spared the American soldier, even though the two went face to face. The American soldiers decide to disbelieve the soldier, even though there is a carcass right by that has all of its skin peeled off (that they had clearly seen). Hmmm.

So the crew moves out, encounters more Nazis in a badly made graveyard in the middle of nowhere, and more casualties are dealt. A small crew of four Americans are able to escape the clutches of the Nazis, and head in a random direction. The camera pans out, and shows a sign in German that has a skull and bones logo on it, indicating that the direction the Americans are traveling in could be hazardous to their health (note: as the movie progressed, it became clear that there was no logical reason for the Germans to have put that sign where it was, or to even have a sign like that to begin with, as all there is to find is a house with two French women in it). The Americans eventually run into a house with two French women in it, and the guy who can only be assumed is the lieutenant, since he is ordering everyone around, demands that two soldiers stay look out, while he and his buddy proceed to rape the two French women. One of the look-out soldiers has a nightmare in which he is being tailed by the strange creature, and then wakes up in a strangely calm manner, even though it was made clear he was having a very intense nightmare. The next morning the soldiers decide to pull out (hahahah), and that is when the French women come out of the house, their faces visibly beaten. One of them pulls a gun but the captian shoots her. Some more nonsense occurs, and the soldiers move on.

Around the campfire, the creature, which turns out to be a werewolf, attacks the soldiers. All but two die, and one of the living soldiers is bitten. Luckily, they kill the werewolf.

Cuts to an American camp in an open field, surrounded by the forest (an obviously strategic location for a war camp). A larger brigade is formed, as there are strange creatures afoot (you mean ASIDE from the fucking werewolf??). The two sargeants in charge recall a flashback in which they killed a zombie-like creature, and they deduce that it must be more of these zombies that they must kill.

So the big crew heads out, and all of a sudden they hear a German soldier far off (in the forest) screaming for help, and that there is a monster chasing him. Zombie appears (number two), and after shooting him in the torsoe multiple times, they finally get the bright idea to aim for the head. Shooting him in the head, to their surprise, effectively kills it.

And then all of a sudden, the movie is summed up with one line from the sargeant: "Let's go to the abandoned church." Great idea, moron! We just encountered a fucking zombie, let's go to the abandoned church! I like the way you think!

So nearby the church is where the weapons facility is. Convenient. They scan the facility, decide to attack the next day, and that night is when you find out that the bitten soldier can turn into a werewolf. The next day they wake up, campy music progresses, and the soldier comes back butt naked. Oh, how funny. It's cause he's a werewolf.

So they move into the facility, kill the guards, and then a zombie appears out of nowhere. They are hopelessly trying to fend it off, when the werewolf soldier comes from behind and shoots it in the head (he's still a human at this point).

Now this is where things REALLY go downhill. They head up to the doctor. Some cliche explanation, and then SURPRISE the doctor turns into a zombie! He took his miraculously strong potion, so he's almost unstoppable! The two sargeants run into the room where the formula is and essentially leave all the other soldiers to their own devices, as they decide that one of them has to make the sacrifice and drink the formula themselves, in order to stop the zombie. Camera cuts back out to the doctor zombie, and SURPRISE! The werewolf soldier turns into a werewolf, and there is a werewolf zombie fight going on! In the middle of the day....

So one of the sargeants takes the potion, turns into a zombie, and in complete anti-climactic fashion, he kills the zombie with one single punch into its stomach. He then lies on the ground, and in his last effort to retain humanity within himself, he orders one of his solders to shoot him. Thus begins a painfully drawn out and cliche back-and-forth of "Shoot me!" "I can't!" "I said shoot me! That's an order!" "I can't!" Followed by the other sargeant coming out of nowhere and shooting him. It was one big cliche. The movie ends with two graves by the weapons facility, and the soldiers walking off into the forest.

The most glaring problem was the werewolf. The werewolf is killed by the zombie so easily, that it begs the question... what was ever the point of having a werewolf to begin with, seeing that the two werewolves in the movie essentially did nothing?

And the zombies. There was like a total of 5 zombies in the movie, including the flashback zombie. Five zombies? Really? Oh, wow, what a powerful threat to the Allied nations! It is implied in the ending scene that there are more, which essentially makes the fact that you watched this entire movie a complete waste of your fucking time. Not that it wasn't already.

The CGI effects were really, really bad, and the special effects were pretty terrible too. It was difficult to watch all of the "war scenes", because they were so badly made and choreographed. There were some parts where I wondered how they got the money for those ATVs and that small tank they had, but then cheaped out on the CGI.

And that man in the coat and sunglasses that had accompanied the werewolf? What was his deal? Why was there a point made about him, and then absolutely minimal explanation about what he does AND about the origin of the werewolf?

All in all, everything was bad from start to finish. The plot was bad, the acting was pretty bad, the script was bad, the action was bad, the werewolves were bad, the zombies were bad, the ending was bad... the whole thing was just bad. If you don't see the obvious plot holes in the summary I gave you above, then... well I guess you'll just have to waste your own time watching the movie on your own to fully realize the horrific quality of this movie.

Happy viewings.

No remorse for Bums.

Like seriously I need to update more its just I'm one of those people who needs love and comments like the sociopath bastard I am. Er so yea each comment makes me want to post more etc etc.

THE SCREAMERS (The Hunting) *The Punning*

So once again we turn to Sci-fi for the majority of our B movie material and this movie brings its wares like its the end of the world; so desperate to fill each and every niche of diverse flavor.

CHARACTERS

We have Hot Chick with tank top: Nameless due to some random language the director had decided to use to make all the names of these complexly FLAT characters.

Viking Guy: who I can or would ever understand throughout the movie *Its the future whats some bearded Celtic doing here?*

Black Soldier: aka the token black; quite sad really because he had no reason to die

Rebel Soldier: I.E actually love interest; I was actually surprised, he managed to be pretty evil at first and then later still slip into the hero's pants.

Commander: Who I thought originally was going to be the love interest but actually turned out to fit the "greedy bastard willing to sell doomsday plans for money" stereotype; and yes there IS a stereotype like that.

Normal Trooper: who was last to die despite character flaws shown early on; and also filling the role of horny bastard usually one of the third characters to be killed of.
(it all comes down to priorities honestly.)

Daniel: The one guy who I could remember his name; and fits the lovable carer giver only to have his hope an care get wasted on some robot things that kill him due to the fact of being emotionless robot things. (Sorry; your empathy is lost on them Daniel.)

PLOT

So There are two planets and one being Sirius 6B *remember my policy of fitting in as many unnecessary letters into names? YEA!*
Sirius 6B was thought to have no survivors from a scientist revolution using robots to kill everyone on the planet who was there. These robots deactivated due to how they were programed (constantly stated by the Techie so we all know that they are in fact; not dead ALIVE because going against whatever the most knowledgeable in the field is always a must in sci-fi.)
They get a message from the planet this team goes to get survivors.
Oh and the planet will blow in six days
Oh and this is conveniently mentioned by subtitles every time a day goes by.
SO yea robots = Not dead and also evolve a lot says rebel people the people from earth fight for a brief moment due to rebels thinking they may be robots.
The guys from earth accidentally release some of the captured robots mistaking them for people.
Lotz o death.
Have to get power for ship and finishes finally when killing the person who made the screamers who doesn't want them to leave saying that the screamers are a "plague" yata yata.
He also kills the commander who was going to sell the Screamers technology on earth. MONEY!

The ending is wonderful though; we have only the chick left and the rebel guy left and they go into sleep pods so they can wake up two months later near earth.
When the main le chick wakes up she finds out shes pregnant *she had sex during the six days with rebel)
She comments to the rebel that its to big of a baby for the month.

He's a SCREAMER! *gotta!* yea the baby grew fast apparently cus that's how robot babies work.
so now the main question is, is there a sequel?

GRAPHICS/BUDGET

I was generally surprised but the good *relatively* animation and clean scenes of excessive blood. I thought it was pretty nice to see a B movie finally that though had some bad animation could at lest make it "seem" good, I mean its all in the fine details people.
There was lots of death which I enjoy as well as splitting of limbs and electricity guns.

THINGS I DIDN'T LIKE

Despite my like for this movie there were some flaws.
All the normal screamers were burrowing machines.
...
think about it.
I sorta thought about it and as far as self evolving machines go something that pops out of the ground doesn't really strike me as something that is the destroyer of cities and worlds.
I mean if your hiding in a locked room how is it going to get in? It can only burrow though the ground not though buildings.
True they had Human/robot screamer things but still...

There were also some very clear misuse of characters like said token black character; seriously he had no reason to die; he gives the Techie this thing that everyone wears to not be seen by screamers and RIGHT
and now I mean RIGHT
RIGHT AFTER
gets killed by screamers.
...Why? Its not furthering plot nor is it really saying much about the movie.

THINGS I LIKED

I gotta admit that the whole "He was actually a Screamer" twist though not at all original made me a tad happy at heart; I think this steams from me sorta wanting to see the world burn from some idiots decision to have sex with a dude on another planet who licked blood from knifes and didn't sleep.
If it didn't work for ROMEO and JULIET it wont work in the six days of Sirius 6B blowing up.

Alien Vs Hunter

Alien Vs Hunter (The knockoff session continues...)

Alright I get really bored and lazy and forget to update and sorry avid readers (Thats YOU makan!!!) So heres to me reviewing more movies.
hopefully
maybe
sometimes....
on and off.
I figured that sense I had already reviewed a movie called Transmorphers a cheep knock off of transformers I'd review another knock off of a favorite franchisee of mine.
BEHOLD THE AWESOME THAT IS ALIEN VS HUNTER!

The Characters

This is my lest faviorate parts of my reviews because a lot of the time I forget names or have watched the movie I'm review a year or two ago and you know
its a b movie
not aka known for there memorabilia.
anyways the main character is a park ranger and his partner (shortly killed) some men of women of the forests (love interests etc, and loveable black humor man *sorry this is just how it works mister man*)
We also have the two most important characters in the movie!!! Hunter (drum roll) and Alien
I think they should have otherwise been called Tin man and Blurry shit mobile.
The Hunter literally moved like his joints had rusted and his last breath was being used to take a constipated crap walk.
Not to mention his "gadgets" (you know x-ray vision! Everyones got one!!!) basically all they seemed to do were make his vision worse and his accuracy worse (I'm not going to consider the fact that his gun was crap because when I imagine Aliens/Hunters, I imagine them WITHOUT guns worse then a BBgun)
The Alien was a seemingly spider like creature that the camera made a big deal of only showing the upper half due to poor animation of the spider portion of the body. Which as we know is for a diffrent section. Anyways basically Blurry Shit mobile that also had a view that seemed lest affective to its mode of attack (Hiding in tunnels and BLEHING people)

The Plot

Anyways we find an alien space ship crashed on earth in a national park/area/thing were the local national park rangers find it and the partner is insta killed by a waving plastic upper torso of a spider creature.
The main character makes a couple shots (all ineffective as all human guns tend to be.) and runs to some campers to scare the crap out of them so they all start running like chickens without their heads. Along the way they figure out that theres a hunter hunting said alien; who they assume is alien himself (must have been the rusty joints), and make vauge and unaware plans of making them fight each other and other such incredible unintelligent plans when you consider THEIR IN A PARK
*idiots don't know where the exit is or WHAT?!*
Anyways they end up going in a farm house; trying to fight the both involving tin man wrestling and killing one man, and some other fun interesting rolls in the hay (yea those kind.)

Theres a passage in the farm that leads a bewildering passage of more talking and more tunnel BLEHING of shit mobile.
I lost interest as I'm sure you have by now so I won't waste your time
TIMEEEE!!!!
By the way the Hunter kills the alien goes back to his ship and ends up being a human.
...
That explains the poor aim I guess...

Animation/Budget

Do I have to mention the blurry legs of the shit-wait sorry Alien? This is my normal rant were I cry over the misuse of a generally ALRIGHT/GOOD costume, simply because they ASSUMED it needed spider legs.
OK thats cool
BUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE BUDGET FOR IT DON'T DO IT!!!
AndWHENwhen has blurring or using slow camera tricks EVER been interesting in a fight scene?! I don't want to see a talon slowly *slowmoooooooo* pierce though a mans chest ESPECIALLY if its badly done.
Better to have it go though it fast and then go though ANOTHER person torso.
Then two people are dead and theres more gore! Audience satisfied.

Things I Hatedhated HATEEEE!
Okkkk
What was with those views? You know it was alright when the did it in the origional predator because that was the new "thing" and it was cool.
NOT IN 2005! OR whenever this thing was made!!!
I don't want to see some heat blob get killed! I want A DUDE TO GET KILLED!
THOUGH EYES
YOU HAVE THOSE RIGHT?!
naw stupid aliens....I got super heat seeking smell sent-of-death.
Uh Huh.

Things I...loved? ;_;

I actually though it was HILARIOUS when, after watching the movie that the mask for the Hunter was UTTERLY diffrent from that on the cover!!!
What-whawait!
You have a super awesome mask thing cover of doom and you replace it with what looks like a trash can with optical lenses?! HA! lawlz....
good times.
Also the BLEHING of the Alien in the tunnels was mildly entertaining.
NOW TO GO KILL MORE BRAIN CELLS!

Ice Spiders

What? Oh right this thing.
Okok I had a lot of spelling errors in my last blog; so I’d like to apologize.
But honestly people?! I mean your expectations for a B movie reviewer are pretty high! LIKE REALLY!
I think the movie I’m about to review show best what I’m talking about as far as “expectations” are concerned.

ICE SPIDERS (aka the Ice)
CHARACTERS
I like state based films were you can tell where the actors are all from. From the New York accent, to the Californian “dude”
So when you see that “dude” in the snow of the mountains your mind starts to REALLY ask questions.
Yea so there were at lest ten of these “dudes” as interchangeable as the next. We also had the “dude” girls or “grills” …That’s what it is right? Yea the blonde tanned freaks of the beach hitting up the snow banks. PRICELESS
Honestly the only character that looked or seemed to matter were some scientists and the singular girl Scientist who all gave off the strange vibes of foreigners. (You know like the French guy who walks into your class and snotty says “Allo” and is instantly labeled an asshole.)
Moving on.

PlOT

SPIDERS
IN ICE
I swear they really don’t make it better then this >.>. Great good cliffhanager right there. Ok so the scientists are making spiders in ice to steal their silk for IRAQ!
IRAQ!!!SOLDERS IN
IRAQ!!!
Seriously what is up with peoples obsession with trying to make their movies current? They only become “uncurrent” in like five days; besides its not like anyones watching your movie anyways.
I guess if you named it ICE SPIDERS….IN IRAQ
Then you’d be super current.
Any ways spiders get loose and the skiers get pwned, and must team up with scientists to go own some spider ass! Btw this is one of the first B movies were NONE of the main characters die; I mean damn son. Sure all those evil scientists die; *well besides the chick; cus she’s hot and didn’t “relize” what was going on.*
But other than some random Skiers and maybe a few of the Hotels management everyone gets off scot-free to go make love in the beaches of California!

BUDGET/ANIMATION?
Right ok.
The very first scene we see the animated spiders I paused because I noticed a very odd detail.
The Skier actually FALLS OFF BEFORE BEING HIT.
Gigawhat?! Meh ok lest there’s the explosions were they blow stuff up and spiders to. YEA DIE POORLY ANIMATED DEVILS!
I mean you gotta look for the small things to look forward to in movies.
Yea animation was poor; makes me sorta wish for the old animation of the 80’s were it was ether clay weirdness or squiggly gooey doom machines.
Gotta love the goo machines.

HORRIBLE THINGS OF DOOM!
Were were they? I mean it was in mountains clearly; they had California accents; however we were talking about IRAQ and other oddly specific things; why not come up with specific states at the lest?!
I hate that sorta stuff; its not like the movie is called The ICE
If it was I’d expect the Ice to attack people not spiders; seriously WTF?! I know I’ll go horrible misspell some shit and make a movie out of it.
Oh wait I already reviewed a movie called Caprini… >.>

GOOD…THINGS?
I thought it was pretty funny they were saying “dude” and other such fun stuff; it was so clearly just a group of people who were rich enough to get their movie some special “effects” and get it to DVD; however this also makes me instantly hate them.
BECAUSE THEY HAD MONEY!

Transmorphers

OK I'm new to this whole new "technology" I think that should be the theme of this blog or something
that people who don't know how to use technology should just not try and go farm our food so we can eat and laugh as we watch them.
So now I have to introduce some structure in here to make the insane ramblings merely UNDERSTANDABLE insane ramblings.
Come on people just grow a second brain so you can understand me!
First part will be devoted to the characters or any traits I noticed about them.
Then what Happens or i.e plot
then we go Budget/animation/special effects.
finially we go to the main things I hated utterly, if not whole movie.
Then if any the good points.
Ok lets do this shindig. Pip pop
Zim zam?

TRANSMORPHERS (the brothers from another mother)
CHARACTERS
its a haze really when you watch to many B movies will basicly eat away at your brain until every single thing and character of the story is merely some tool of movie deleverance for added dynamic
I HATE dynamics
OH WOW your so ethnic! You have some dang multiculral stuff to look good to e veryone when in fact your just degrading them further.
Yea the asian guy has short spiky hair, loves video games and is a techy.
Yea the blonde dosen't really want to love but does in fact have a boner for the hero.
Yea the hero is a robot
Yea there's a sex scene
...
What?

PLOT
ok so in the future *I never tire of saying that, its like saying "IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE!"*
robots (not your normal type hevens no!) but the kind that can turn into a tank into... a robot tank!
ZOMGF!
seriously weres the plot element there besides to be a crappy knock off of transformers (wait you mean thats WHY it was made?! God god)
They humans live underground like the Matric failers they are and much like how the matric fails so does this movie.
Smart robots just own! I mean People haven't figured out that robots are just better humans of doom with guns that can't die.
Anyways it turns out there's hope for our humans, they find the super awesome main computer of the robots *yea they all have that one* and they have a chance to blow it up
THIS IS WAR!
The robots go full out
the humans go full out
the hero flies with his friendy friends and eh goes to the base place of doom on their flying mopeds and his friends defend him as he finds out he's a robot and must use his skillage as a robot to blow it up.
Oh and that skillage is basicly is that he was made to be a bomb
and that it was all planned
And mo-peds should really only be used for ground travel.

BUDGET/OTHER SHIT
ok now b movies have a bad budget
granted
normally its some losers with their friends who are rich or have a fancy cameria or to hopped up on drugs to give a damn
but this
and this is me here
mister dont care
THIS WAS THE WORSE 3-D SHIT EVER.
I mean ok yea it was bad, really really bad, they some how managed to waste some sum of money on this crap
But still
STILL this gives no excuse for the following
not having gun flashes?! Or having sounds match the gun flashes?! PLEASE PLEASE JUST KILL THEM ALL ROBOTS!
wait nooo we also have the crapy green screen we see when a person is driving a car and they decided not to actually show the backround so just have other filmed in back part as they drive their crappy ass mop-ed flyers while being chased by "VOOM"ing noises.
"Chaptin its coming closer, I don't think I can make it!"
"VOOM"
"IT GOT JONNEY!!!"
cerial.
yea you got it.

THINGS I DETESTED
that gun thing just threw me off,
but it started before that
there were the rooms that were 5x5 and the only ten actors and other stupid moments
I mean I guess its sorta showing that they're all living underground like hermits
but that doesn't mean your hermits in your grandma's basement
(oh wait YOU ARE?!)

THINGS I LIKED
I didnt
*end*

A Begining double review! (Because life isn't easier then this shit)

Well hello good people of the blog I can only assume your somehow so ridiculously bored or wish to laugh your pretty heads off when I begin my inane ramblings about movies you can only guess at.
Well let me prove you positively RIGHT.
Now I wish I could have started this some time ago as I've watched so many bad movies in the past that I wish I had written about.

WELL NO MORE I SAY! NOW IS LE TIME OF ACT!

So to start you silly little folks out I'll review two movies that are related to each other if only vaguely and metaphorically.

RECON 2020 THE CAPRINI MASSACRE + THE MEZZO CONSPIRACY

Now the easiest way of seeing if a movies B or not is seeing how many extra Z's X's or other unused words of the alphabet the title tries to squeeze in while looking cool.
I mean honestly who the hell thinks "Caprini" is a cool word?
I guess if your into making alien gargen.
Ok I'll start with The Caprini Massacre as it is the first of the series (Yes I sudder at the thought of the fools who made these movies making more then one.)
We start our movie with generic sergent man who loves his crew but is a toughy; wait wait...
I have to explain the plot
oh god.
So in the future, we have fifth dimensional aliens totally having the grey head minions *yea like those generic naked aliens that every farmer from the south seems to claim exists. No offense Southies.*
Anyways the Grey head aliens wipe out humans and the humans run to different planets living in fear of the crazy shit these mofos will do to them.
yatayata.
Anyways theres some damn massacre on Caprini and our lovable black sergeant must take his squad to investigate. Yea their so fucked eh?
Anyways the seemingly premise of this movie is how many god dang monsters/things from generic things from movies they could fit in here.
SO our sergeant and random assorted crew (we have the hot pilot along with all the other generic characters of our beloved b movie casts.)
Apparently this massacure was those damn fifth dimensional aliens totally testing out their awesome l33t skills in halo and pwning all the nubz
well ok they were just fucking around with some new tech or some shit which makes human myths and other such things come to life. Yea I was pretty surprised to.
We had vampires, werewolf's, dinosaurs, giants bugs (what myth is THAT from?!) and zombies.
Along with these witty additions to the sci-fi genre we had some rebel human dudes and cyborgs.

With all this SHIT you'd really expect that the movie would be non stop action right? Wrong!
Apparently the director really loved going into detail about going around checking corridors.
I mean how many times do I have to F**king hear that damns sergeants voice say "Check your flanks* as they slowly make their way though a large open area as the camera shows a damn cyborg ogling them from the rafters.

When we actually get to the action its some of the sadest sort! Lest the cyborg shoot out. I mean
I can understand that cyborgs are metal and shit and can take a lot of bullets; still I mean if your programing a AI you'd think you'd give it SOME stratigy right?! No of course not we'll just have it stand in the open with a pistol (WTF?!) in a five miniute shoot out with our beloved sergent.
Other fight scenes include our sergent meeting a friend from the "war" who turned rebel and they now fist fight to the death, as well as a random dude going off to take a leak and getting zomged by zombies.
I could go on and on!
But I have to get to the next movie >.> But to sum it up what I hated most was the fact that they actually had 3-d and the rebels/squads actually had relitively cool costumes.
I hate the misuse of good costumes
SOME OF US DON'T HAVE MONEY TO WASTE ON SHIT AZZ MOVIEZ!

Onto the sequal (which was announced at the end credits of the first as the sergent flew away in his shippyship being followed by an apparent Star Trex rip-off wannabe.)

Sadly enough this movie was better; this was the sorta b movie I watch b movies for.
Yea sure you could tell the cast/director realized he was making shit ass movies and decided to add in some porno graphic elements but I mean its the realization thats key in any good bad movie.
The intro of this movie baffled me; from what I could tell was this;
Intel says go in the fucking ice.
The fucking ice is cold
Everyone fucking hates the Intel
Intel is a pmsing bitch on high heals
Fifth dimension aliens apparently are to poor to make their cyborgs look different from the first one.
Snow worms are more deadly then most any gun wielding alien
Never expect evil rival guys from the last movie to be actually be dead; they aren't
Fifth dimension aliens think reviving evil rival guys are lolz worthy.
it was lolz worthy.

OKOKOK- yea still bad as hell but at lest this time there wasn't as much damn corridor walking/flank checking and more sorta reasonable shoot outs (ok not really)
I mean honestly I liked it because of the apparent suckness of all the squad members, I seriously lost track of how many of them died to hidious snow monsters, perverted rival evil guys, and cool ass bag wearing fuckers.
I think the only thing I'd change would be to have more of those bag wearing fuckers
those fuckers were cool
cool as fuck.
Also leave out those damn porno partz! I mean I know your trying to get me to watch this movie but come on I RENTED A MOVIE CALLED THE MEZZO CONSPIRACY!!! Its not like I'm expecting some god dang political romance novel.
AND WERE THE HELL WAS THE CONSPIRACY?!?!?!
It was the ice.