Sunday, January 25, 2009

Ice Spiders

What? Oh right this thing.
Okok I had a lot of spelling errors in my last blog; so I’d like to apologize.
But honestly people?! I mean your expectations for a B movie reviewer are pretty high! LIKE REALLY!
I think the movie I’m about to review show best what I’m talking about as far as “expectations” are concerned.

ICE SPIDERS (aka the Ice)
I like state based films were you can tell where the actors are all from. From the New York accent, to the Californian “dude”
So when you see that “dude” in the snow of the mountains your mind starts to REALLY ask questions.
Yea so there were at lest ten of these “dudes” as interchangeable as the next. We also had the “dude” girls or “grills” …That’s what it is right? Yea the blonde tanned freaks of the beach hitting up the snow banks. PRICELESS
Honestly the only character that looked or seemed to matter were some scientists and the singular girl Scientist who all gave off the strange vibes of foreigners. (You know like the French guy who walks into your class and snotty says “Allo” and is instantly labeled an asshole.)
Moving on.


I swear they really don’t make it better then this >.>. Great good cliffhanager right there. Ok so the scientists are making spiders in ice to steal their silk for IRAQ!
Seriously what is up with peoples obsession with trying to make their movies current? They only become “uncurrent” in like five days; besides its not like anyones watching your movie anyways.
I guess if you named it ICE SPIDERS….IN IRAQ
Then you’d be super current.
Any ways spiders get loose and the skiers get pwned, and must team up with scientists to go own some spider ass! Btw this is one of the first B movies were NONE of the main characters die; I mean damn son. Sure all those evil scientists die; *well besides the chick; cus she’s hot and didn’t “relize” what was going on.*
But other than some random Skiers and maybe a few of the Hotels management everyone gets off scot-free to go make love in the beaches of California!

Right ok.
The very first scene we see the animated spiders I paused because I noticed a very odd detail.
Gigawhat?! Meh ok lest there’s the explosions were they blow stuff up and spiders to. YEA DIE POORLY ANIMATED DEVILS!
I mean you gotta look for the small things to look forward to in movies.
Yea animation was poor; makes me sorta wish for the old animation of the 80’s were it was ether clay weirdness or squiggly gooey doom machines.
Gotta love the goo machines.

Were were they? I mean it was in mountains clearly; they had California accents; however we were talking about IRAQ and other oddly specific things; why not come up with specific states at the lest?!
I hate that sorta stuff; its not like the movie is called The ICE
If it was I’d expect the Ice to attack people not spiders; seriously WTF?! I know I’ll go horrible misspell some shit and make a movie out of it.
Oh wait I already reviewed a movie called Caprini… >.>

I thought it was pretty funny they were saying “dude” and other such fun stuff; it was so clearly just a group of people who were rich enough to get their movie some special “effects” and get it to DVD; however this also makes me instantly hate them.


  1. actually, ice spiders premiered on the sci fi channel. Disappointing, i know. I always thought scifi channel had class...

  2. actually in all the commercials I've seen on Discover and other such channels for "premire their channel only movies" are basicly crap hehe.