Sunday, January 25, 2009

Ice Spiders

What? Oh right this thing.
Okok I had a lot of spelling errors in my last blog; so I’d like to apologize.
But honestly people?! I mean your expectations for a B movie reviewer are pretty high! LIKE REALLY!
I think the movie I’m about to review show best what I’m talking about as far as “expectations” are concerned.

ICE SPIDERS (aka the Ice)
I like state based films were you can tell where the actors are all from. From the New York accent, to the Californian “dude”
So when you see that “dude” in the snow of the mountains your mind starts to REALLY ask questions.
Yea so there were at lest ten of these “dudes” as interchangeable as the next. We also had the “dude” girls or “grills” …That’s what it is right? Yea the blonde tanned freaks of the beach hitting up the snow banks. PRICELESS
Honestly the only character that looked or seemed to matter were some scientists and the singular girl Scientist who all gave off the strange vibes of foreigners. (You know like the French guy who walks into your class and snotty says “Allo” and is instantly labeled an asshole.)
Moving on.


I swear they really don’t make it better then this >.>. Great good cliffhanager right there. Ok so the scientists are making spiders in ice to steal their silk for IRAQ!
Seriously what is up with peoples obsession with trying to make their movies current? They only become “uncurrent” in like five days; besides its not like anyones watching your movie anyways.
I guess if you named it ICE SPIDERS….IN IRAQ
Then you’d be super current.
Any ways spiders get loose and the skiers get pwned, and must team up with scientists to go own some spider ass! Btw this is one of the first B movies were NONE of the main characters die; I mean damn son. Sure all those evil scientists die; *well besides the chick; cus she’s hot and didn’t “relize” what was going on.*
But other than some random Skiers and maybe a few of the Hotels management everyone gets off scot-free to go make love in the beaches of California!

Right ok.
The very first scene we see the animated spiders I paused because I noticed a very odd detail.
Gigawhat?! Meh ok lest there’s the explosions were they blow stuff up and spiders to. YEA DIE POORLY ANIMATED DEVILS!
I mean you gotta look for the small things to look forward to in movies.
Yea animation was poor; makes me sorta wish for the old animation of the 80’s were it was ether clay weirdness or squiggly gooey doom machines.
Gotta love the goo machines.

Were were they? I mean it was in mountains clearly; they had California accents; however we were talking about IRAQ and other oddly specific things; why not come up with specific states at the lest?!
I hate that sorta stuff; its not like the movie is called The ICE
If it was I’d expect the Ice to attack people not spiders; seriously WTF?! I know I’ll go horrible misspell some shit and make a movie out of it.
Oh wait I already reviewed a movie called Caprini… >.>

I thought it was pretty funny they were saying “dude” and other such fun stuff; it was so clearly just a group of people who were rich enough to get their movie some special “effects” and get it to DVD; however this also makes me instantly hate them.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


OK I'm new to this whole new "technology" I think that should be the theme of this blog or something
that people who don't know how to use technology should just not try and go farm our food so we can eat and laugh as we watch them.
So now I have to introduce some structure in here to make the insane ramblings merely UNDERSTANDABLE insane ramblings.
Come on people just grow a second brain so you can understand me!
First part will be devoted to the characters or any traits I noticed about them.
Then what Happens or i.e plot
then we go Budget/animation/special effects.
finially we go to the main things I hated utterly, if not whole movie.
Then if any the good points.
Ok lets do this shindig. Pip pop
Zim zam?

TRANSMORPHERS (the brothers from another mother)
its a haze really when you watch to many B movies will basicly eat away at your brain until every single thing and character of the story is merely some tool of movie deleverance for added dynamic
I HATE dynamics
OH WOW your so ethnic! You have some dang multiculral stuff to look good to e veryone when in fact your just degrading them further.
Yea the asian guy has short spiky hair, loves video games and is a techy.
Yea the blonde dosen't really want to love but does in fact have a boner for the hero.
Yea the hero is a robot
Yea there's a sex scene

ok so in the future *I never tire of saying that, its like saying "IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE!"*
robots (not your normal type hevens no!) but the kind that can turn into a tank into... a robot tank!
seriously weres the plot element there besides to be a crappy knock off of transformers (wait you mean thats WHY it was made?! God god)
They humans live underground like the Matric failers they are and much like how the matric fails so does this movie.
Smart robots just own! I mean People haven't figured out that robots are just better humans of doom with guns that can't die.
Anyways it turns out there's hope for our humans, they find the super awesome main computer of the robots *yea they all have that one* and they have a chance to blow it up
The robots go full out
the humans go full out
the hero flies with his friendy friends and eh goes to the base place of doom on their flying mopeds and his friends defend him as he finds out he's a robot and must use his skillage as a robot to blow it up.
Oh and that skillage is basicly is that he was made to be a bomb
and that it was all planned
And mo-peds should really only be used for ground travel.

ok now b movies have a bad budget
normally its some losers with their friends who are rich or have a fancy cameria or to hopped up on drugs to give a damn
but this
and this is me here
mister dont care
I mean ok yea it was bad, really really bad, they some how managed to waste some sum of money on this crap
But still
STILL this gives no excuse for the following
not having gun flashes?! Or having sounds match the gun flashes?! PLEASE PLEASE JUST KILL THEM ALL ROBOTS!
wait nooo we also have the crapy green screen we see when a person is driving a car and they decided not to actually show the backround so just have other filmed in back part as they drive their crappy ass mop-ed flyers while being chased by "VOOM"ing noises.
"Chaptin its coming closer, I don't think I can make it!"
yea you got it.

that gun thing just threw me off,
but it started before that
there were the rooms that were 5x5 and the only ten actors and other stupid moments
I mean I guess its sorta showing that they're all living underground like hermits
but that doesn't mean your hermits in your grandma's basement
(oh wait YOU ARE?!)

I didnt

A Begining double review! (Because life isn't easier then this shit)

Well hello good people of the blog I can only assume your somehow so ridiculously bored or wish to laugh your pretty heads off when I begin my inane ramblings about movies you can only guess at.
Well let me prove you positively RIGHT.
Now I wish I could have started this some time ago as I've watched so many bad movies in the past that I wish I had written about.


So to start you silly little folks out I'll review two movies that are related to each other if only vaguely and metaphorically.


Now the easiest way of seeing if a movies B or not is seeing how many extra Z's X's or other unused words of the alphabet the title tries to squeeze in while looking cool.
I mean honestly who the hell thinks "Caprini" is a cool word?
I guess if your into making alien gargen.
Ok I'll start with The Caprini Massacre as it is the first of the series (Yes I sudder at the thought of the fools who made these movies making more then one.)
We start our movie with generic sergent man who loves his crew but is a toughy; wait wait...
I have to explain the plot
oh god.
So in the future, we have fifth dimensional aliens totally having the grey head minions *yea like those generic naked aliens that every farmer from the south seems to claim exists. No offense Southies.*
Anyways the Grey head aliens wipe out humans and the humans run to different planets living in fear of the crazy shit these mofos will do to them.
Anyways theres some damn massacre on Caprini and our lovable black sergeant must take his squad to investigate. Yea their so fucked eh?
Anyways the seemingly premise of this movie is how many god dang monsters/things from generic things from movies they could fit in here.
SO our sergeant and random assorted crew (we have the hot pilot along with all the other generic characters of our beloved b movie casts.)
Apparently this massacure was those damn fifth dimensional aliens totally testing out their awesome l33t skills in halo and pwning all the nubz
well ok they were just fucking around with some new tech or some shit which makes human myths and other such things come to life. Yea I was pretty surprised to.
We had vampires, werewolf's, dinosaurs, giants bugs (what myth is THAT from?!) and zombies.
Along with these witty additions to the sci-fi genre we had some rebel human dudes and cyborgs.

With all this SHIT you'd really expect that the movie would be non stop action right? Wrong!
Apparently the director really loved going into detail about going around checking corridors.
I mean how many times do I have to F**king hear that damns sergeants voice say "Check your flanks* as they slowly make their way though a large open area as the camera shows a damn cyborg ogling them from the rafters.

When we actually get to the action its some of the sadest sort! Lest the cyborg shoot out. I mean
I can understand that cyborgs are metal and shit and can take a lot of bullets; still I mean if your programing a AI you'd think you'd give it SOME stratigy right?! No of course not we'll just have it stand in the open with a pistol (WTF?!) in a five miniute shoot out with our beloved sergent.
Other fight scenes include our sergent meeting a friend from the "war" who turned rebel and they now fist fight to the death, as well as a random dude going off to take a leak and getting zomged by zombies.
I could go on and on!
But I have to get to the next movie >.> But to sum it up what I hated most was the fact that they actually had 3-d and the rebels/squads actually had relitively cool costumes.
I hate the misuse of good costumes

Onto the sequal (which was announced at the end credits of the first as the sergent flew away in his shippyship being followed by an apparent Star Trex rip-off wannabe.)

Sadly enough this movie was better; this was the sorta b movie I watch b movies for.
Yea sure you could tell the cast/director realized he was making shit ass movies and decided to add in some porno graphic elements but I mean its the realization thats key in any good bad movie.
The intro of this movie baffled me; from what I could tell was this;
Intel says go in the fucking ice.
The fucking ice is cold
Everyone fucking hates the Intel
Intel is a pmsing bitch on high heals
Fifth dimension aliens apparently are to poor to make their cyborgs look different from the first one.
Snow worms are more deadly then most any gun wielding alien
Never expect evil rival guys from the last movie to be actually be dead; they aren't
Fifth dimension aliens think reviving evil rival guys are lolz worthy.
it was lolz worthy.

OKOKOK- yea still bad as hell but at lest this time there wasn't as much damn corridor walking/flank checking and more sorta reasonable shoot outs (ok not really)
I mean honestly I liked it because of the apparent suckness of all the squad members, I seriously lost track of how many of them died to hidious snow monsters, perverted rival evil guys, and cool ass bag wearing fuckers.
I think the only thing I'd change would be to have more of those bag wearing fuckers
those fuckers were cool
cool as fuck.
Also leave out those damn porno partz! I mean I know your trying to get me to watch this movie but come on I RENTED A MOVIE CALLED THE MEZZO CONSPIRACY!!! Its not like I'm expecting some god dang political romance novel.
It was the ice.