Saturday, July 4, 2009

Guest Review: Horrors of War

Horrors of War Review:

This movie was supposed to be about a special weapons factory in which a Nazi doctor is creating a formula that allows the Nazis' Super Soldiers to become zombies, thereby creating an impervious and bloodthirsty machine of war. The American forces essentially travel around a forest aimlessly encountering Nazis, a couple of French women, a werewolf(?????), and, ultimately, a few zombies.
The movie ends with the Americans encountering the doctor, and subsequently taking him down.
I say "supposed," because this movie is riddled with inconsistencies, plot holes, bad dialogue, and atrocious special effects. The main point of the movie is essentially pussy-footed around until the near-end of the movie, where everything crashes down in a non-sensical implosion of "wtfs".

Pros: Very little of this movie was actually positive at all. I would say perhaps the best thing about this movie was how absolutely hilarious it was... and it was only because we were laughing AT the movie rather than with the movie. Absolutely terrible. I guess it was an all right way of spending a summer night? Little more than that.

Cons: This is a mountain to climb. There are so many things wrong with this movie, that I don't even know where to start.

First off, the deception was what riled the viewers and me up the most. The cover was an epic scene of an entire sea of Nazi zombies in a city-center, which is supposedly Berlin. Boy, were we in for a surprise. We knew something was up when the movie started out in a forest.... progressed in a forest..... and then ended...*GASP* IN A FOREST. Where the hell is the city? Where the hell was the sea of zombies? Nothing that was promised to us on the cover of this movie was delivered in the actual movie. This was the first of many disappointments.

The acting wasn't terrible, but I only say that because the dialogue was even worse. Given what the actors had to work with, I'd say they actually did a mediocre job. The dialogue was riddled with contrived war-movie cliches that were painful to listen to, and the acting was almost self-aware of how ridiculous the script was. This does not bode well for a movie's professionalism, seeing as every single attempt at a serious situation in this movie was blatantly transparent, and ultimately ended up with raucous laughter from the viewing crew. It was probably more difficult to restrain oneself from not making fun of the movie, than it was to watch the movie the whole way through. Actually, I don't think there was ONE SINGLE SCENE in which there was not some disparaging comment made towards the movie. It was that bad.

Plot: Jesus Christ. This is where things get tricky. The story itself was so immemorable, that rehashing it accurately might prove to be a bit of a problem.

So the movie starts out with a crew of Americans fighting the Nazis in the woods. Okay, etc. etc., Americans clear out Nazis, move out. All of a sudden they discover a captured American soldier. The American soldier tells them a story about how the Nazis brought a strange man-like creature on all fours to the camp, and that a strange man with sunglasses was present. The man soon left (???), and then the creature escaped. He went on to kill every single Nazi there, but for some reason spared the American soldier, even though the two went face to face. The American soldiers decide to disbelieve the soldier, even though there is a carcass right by that has all of its skin peeled off (that they had clearly seen). Hmmm.

So the crew moves out, encounters more Nazis in a badly made graveyard in the middle of nowhere, and more casualties are dealt. A small crew of four Americans are able to escape the clutches of the Nazis, and head in a random direction. The camera pans out, and shows a sign in German that has a skull and bones logo on it, indicating that the direction the Americans are traveling in could be hazardous to their health (note: as the movie progressed, it became clear that there was no logical reason for the Germans to have put that sign where it was, or to even have a sign like that to begin with, as all there is to find is a house with two French women in it). The Americans eventually run into a house with two French women in it, and the guy who can only be assumed is the lieutenant, since he is ordering everyone around, demands that two soldiers stay look out, while he and his buddy proceed to rape the two French women. One of the look-out soldiers has a nightmare in which he is being tailed by the strange creature, and then wakes up in a strangely calm manner, even though it was made clear he was having a very intense nightmare. The next morning the soldiers decide to pull out (hahahah), and that is when the French women come out of the house, their faces visibly beaten. One of them pulls a gun but the captian shoots her. Some more nonsense occurs, and the soldiers move on.

Around the campfire, the creature, which turns out to be a werewolf, attacks the soldiers. All but two die, and one of the living soldiers is bitten. Luckily, they kill the werewolf.

Cuts to an American camp in an open field, surrounded by the forest (an obviously strategic location for a war camp). A larger brigade is formed, as there are strange creatures afoot (you mean ASIDE from the fucking werewolf??). The two sargeants in charge recall a flashback in which they killed a zombie-like creature, and they deduce that it must be more of these zombies that they must kill.

So the big crew heads out, and all of a sudden they hear a German soldier far off (in the forest) screaming for help, and that there is a monster chasing him. Zombie appears (number two), and after shooting him in the torsoe multiple times, they finally get the bright idea to aim for the head. Shooting him in the head, to their surprise, effectively kills it.

And then all of a sudden, the movie is summed up with one line from the sargeant: "Let's go to the abandoned church." Great idea, moron! We just encountered a fucking zombie, let's go to the abandoned church! I like the way you think!

So nearby the church is where the weapons facility is. Convenient. They scan the facility, decide to attack the next day, and that night is when you find out that the bitten soldier can turn into a werewolf. The next day they wake up, campy music progresses, and the soldier comes back butt naked. Oh, how funny. It's cause he's a werewolf.

So they move into the facility, kill the guards, and then a zombie appears out of nowhere. They are hopelessly trying to fend it off, when the werewolf soldier comes from behind and shoots it in the head (he's still a human at this point).

Now this is where things REALLY go downhill. They head up to the doctor. Some cliche explanation, and then SURPRISE the doctor turns into a zombie! He took his miraculously strong potion, so he's almost unstoppable! The two sargeants run into the room where the formula is and essentially leave all the other soldiers to their own devices, as they decide that one of them has to make the sacrifice and drink the formula themselves, in order to stop the zombie. Camera cuts back out to the doctor zombie, and SURPRISE! The werewolf soldier turns into a werewolf, and there is a werewolf zombie fight going on! In the middle of the day....

So one of the sargeants takes the potion, turns into a zombie, and in complete anti-climactic fashion, he kills the zombie with one single punch into its stomach. He then lies on the ground, and in his last effort to retain humanity within himself, he orders one of his solders to shoot him. Thus begins a painfully drawn out and cliche back-and-forth of "Shoot me!" "I can't!" "I said shoot me! That's an order!" "I can't!" Followed by the other sargeant coming out of nowhere and shooting him. It was one big cliche. The movie ends with two graves by the weapons facility, and the soldiers walking off into the forest.

The most glaring problem was the werewolf. The werewolf is killed by the zombie so easily, that it begs the question... what was ever the point of having a werewolf to begin with, seeing that the two werewolves in the movie essentially did nothing?

And the zombies. There was like a total of 5 zombies in the movie, including the flashback zombie. Five zombies? Really? Oh, wow, what a powerful threat to the Allied nations! It is implied in the ending scene that there are more, which essentially makes the fact that you watched this entire movie a complete waste of your fucking time. Not that it wasn't already.

The CGI effects were really, really bad, and the special effects were pretty terrible too. It was difficult to watch all of the "war scenes", because they were so badly made and choreographed. There were some parts where I wondered how they got the money for those ATVs and that small tank they had, but then cheaped out on the CGI.

And that man in the coat and sunglasses that had accompanied the werewolf? What was his deal? Why was there a point made about him, and then absolutely minimal explanation about what he does AND about the origin of the werewolf?

All in all, everything was bad from start to finish. The plot was bad, the acting was pretty bad, the script was bad, the action was bad, the werewolves were bad, the zombies were bad, the ending was bad... the whole thing was just bad. If you don't see the obvious plot holes in the summary I gave you above, then... well I guess you'll just have to waste your own time watching the movie on your own to fully realize the horrific quality of this movie.

Happy viewings.


  1. Thanks for the guest review; it was very much appreciated.
    Let the B Movies continued to be viewed!

  2. P.S
    Death cross bones make complete sense when you consider the fact they pointed towards THE FRENCH, oh and women.
    You gotta know the germans priorities ;p