Alien Vs Hunter

Alien Vs Hunter (The knockoff session continues...)

Alright I get really bored and lazy and forget to update and sorry avid readers (Thats YOU makan!!!) So heres to me reviewing more movies.
hopefully
maybe
sometimes....
on and off.
I figured that sense I had already reviewed a movie called Transmorphers a cheep knock off of transformers I'd review another knock off of a favorite franchisee of mine.
BEHOLD THE AWESOME THAT IS ALIEN VS HUNTER!

The Characters

This is my lest faviorate parts of my reviews because a lot of the time I forget names or have watched the movie I'm review a year or two ago and you know
its a b movie
not aka known for there memorabilia.
anyways the main character is a park ranger and his partner (shortly killed) some men of women of the forests (love interests etc, and loveable black humor man *sorry this is just how it works mister man*)
We also have the two most important characters in the movie!!! Hunter (drum roll) and Alien
I think they should have otherwise been called Tin man and Blurry shit mobile.
The Hunter literally moved like his joints had rusted and his last breath was being used to take a constipated crap walk.
Not to mention his "gadgets" (you know x-ray vision! Everyones got one!!!) basically all they seemed to do were make his vision worse and his accuracy worse (I'm not going to consider the fact that his gun was crap because when I imagine Aliens/Hunters, I imagine them WITHOUT guns worse then a BBgun)
The Alien was a seemingly spider like creature that the camera made a big deal of only showing the upper half due to poor animation of the spider portion of the body. Which as we know is for a diffrent section. Anyways basically Blurry Shit mobile that also had a view that seemed lest affective to its mode of attack (Hiding in tunnels and BLEHING people)

The Plot

Anyways we find an alien space ship crashed on earth in a national park/area/thing were the local national park rangers find it and the partner is insta killed by a waving plastic upper torso of a spider creature.
The main character makes a couple shots (all ineffective as all human guns tend to be.) and runs to some campers to scare the crap out of them so they all start running like chickens without their heads. Along the way they figure out that theres a hunter hunting said alien; who they assume is alien himself (must have been the rusty joints), and make vauge and unaware plans of making them fight each other and other such incredible unintelligent plans when you consider THEIR IN A PARK
*idiots don't know where the exit is or WHAT?!*
Anyways they end up going in a farm house; trying to fight the both involving tin man wrestling and killing one man, and some other fun interesting rolls in the hay (yea those kind.)

Theres a passage in the farm that leads a bewildering passage of more talking and more tunnel BLEHING of shit mobile.
I lost interest as I'm sure you have by now so I won't waste your time
TIMEEEE!!!!
By the way the Hunter kills the alien goes back to his ship and ends up being a human.
...
That explains the poor aim I guess...

Animation/Budget

Do I have to mention the blurry legs of the shit-wait sorry Alien? This is my normal rant were I cry over the misuse of a generally ALRIGHT/GOOD costume, simply because they ASSUMED it needed spider legs.
OK thats cool
BUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE BUDGET FOR IT DON'T DO IT!!!
AndWHENwhen has blurring or using slow camera tricks EVER been interesting in a fight scene?! I don't want to see a talon slowly *slowmoooooooo* pierce though a mans chest ESPECIALLY if its badly done.
Better to have it go though it fast and then go though ANOTHER person torso.
Then two people are dead and theres more gore! Audience satisfied.

Things I Hatedhated HATEEEE!
Okkkk
What was with those views? You know it was alright when the did it in the origional predator because that was the new "thing" and it was cool.
NOT IN 2005! OR whenever this thing was made!!!
I don't want to see some heat blob get killed! I want A DUDE TO GET KILLED!
THOUGH EYES
YOU HAVE THOSE RIGHT?!
naw stupid aliens....I got super heat seeking smell sent-of-death.
Uh Huh.

Things I...loved? ;_;

I actually though it was HILARIOUS when, after watching the movie that the mask for the Hunter was UTTERLY diffrent from that on the cover!!!
What-whawait!
You have a super awesome mask thing cover of doom and you replace it with what looks like a trash can with optical lenses?! HA! lawlz....
good times.
Also the BLEHING of the Alien in the tunnels was mildly entertaining.
NOW TO GO KILL MORE BRAIN CELLS!

Transmorphers

OK I'm new to this whole new "technology" I think that should be the theme of this blog or something
that people who don't know how to use technology should just not try and go farm our food so we can eat and laugh as we watch them.
So now I have to introduce some structure in here to make the insane ramblings merely UNDERSTANDABLE insane ramblings.
Come on people just grow a second brain so you can understand me!
First part will be devoted to the characters or any traits I noticed about them.
Then what Happens or i.e plot
then we go Budget/animation/special effects.
finially we go to the main things I hated utterly, if not whole movie.
Then if any the good points.
Ok lets do this shindig. Pip pop
Zim zam?

TRANSMORPHERS (the brothers from another mother)
CHARACTERS
its a haze really when you watch to many B movies will basicly eat away at your brain until every single thing and character of the story is merely some tool of movie deleverance for added dynamic
I HATE dynamics
OH WOW your so ethnic! You have some dang multiculral stuff to look good to e veryone when in fact your just degrading them further.
Yea the asian guy has short spiky hair, loves video games and is a techy.
Yea the blonde dosen't really want to love but does in fact have a boner for the hero.
Yea the hero is a robot
Yea there's a sex scene
...
What?

PLOT
ok so in the future *I never tire of saying that, its like saying "IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE!"*
robots (not your normal type hevens no!) but the kind that can turn into a tank into... a robot tank!
ZOMGF!
seriously weres the plot element there besides to be a crappy knock off of transformers (wait you mean thats WHY it was made?! God god)
They humans live underground like the Matric failers they are and much like how the matric fails so does this movie.
Smart robots just own! I mean People haven't figured out that robots are just better humans of doom with guns that can't die.
Anyways it turns out there's hope for our humans, they find the super awesome main computer of the robots *yea they all have that one* and they have a chance to blow it up
THIS IS WAR!
The robots go full out
the humans go full out
the hero flies with his friendy friends and eh goes to the base place of doom on their flying mopeds and his friends defend him as he finds out he's a robot and must use his skillage as a robot to blow it up.
Oh and that skillage is basicly is that he was made to be a bomb
and that it was all planned
And mo-peds should really only be used for ground travel.

BUDGET/OTHER SHIT
ok now b movies have a bad budget
granted
normally its some losers with their friends who are rich or have a fancy cameria or to hopped up on drugs to give a damn
but this
and this is me here
mister dont care
THIS WAS THE WORSE 3-D SHIT EVER.
I mean ok yea it was bad, really really bad, they some how managed to waste some sum of money on this crap
But still
STILL this gives no excuse for the following
not having gun flashes?! Or having sounds match the gun flashes?! PLEASE PLEASE JUST KILL THEM ALL ROBOTS!
wait nooo we also have the crapy green screen we see when a person is driving a car and they decided not to actually show the backround so just have other filmed in back part as they drive their crappy ass mop-ed flyers while being chased by "VOOM"ing noises.
"Chaptin its coming closer, I don't think I can make it!"
"VOOM"
"IT GOT JONNEY!!!"
cerial.
yea you got it.

THINGS I DETESTED
that gun thing just threw me off,
but it started before that
there were the rooms that were 5x5 and the only ten actors and other stupid moments
I mean I guess its sorta showing that they're all living underground like hermits
but that doesn't mean your hermits in your grandma's basement
(oh wait YOU ARE?!)

THINGS I LIKED
I didnt
*end*

A Begining double review! (Because life isn't easier then this shit)

Well hello good people of the blog I can only assume your somehow so ridiculously bored or wish to laugh your pretty heads off when I begin my inane ramblings about movies you can only guess at.
Well let me prove you positively RIGHT.
Now I wish I could have started this some time ago as I've watched so many bad movies in the past that I wish I had written about.

WELL NO MORE I SAY! NOW IS LE TIME OF ACT!

So to start you silly little folks out I'll review two movies that are related to each other if only vaguely and metaphorically.

RECON 2020 THE CAPRINI MASSACRE + THE MEZZO CONSPIRACY

Now the easiest way of seeing if a movies B or not is seeing how many extra Z's X's or other unused words of the alphabet the title tries to squeeze in while looking cool.
I mean honestly who the hell thinks "Caprini" is a cool word?
I guess if your into making alien gargen.
Ok I'll start with The Caprini Massacre as it is the first of the series (Yes I sudder at the thought of the fools who made these movies making more then one.)
We start our movie with generic sergent man who loves his crew but is a toughy; wait wait...
I have to explain the plot
oh god.
So in the future, we have fifth dimensional aliens totally having the grey head minions *yea like those generic naked aliens that every farmer from the south seems to claim exists. No offense Southies.*
Anyways the Grey head aliens wipe out humans and the humans run to different planets living in fear of the crazy shit these mofos will do to them.
yatayata.
Anyways theres some damn massacre on Caprini and our lovable black sergeant must take his squad to investigate. Yea their so fucked eh?
Anyways the seemingly premise of this movie is how many god dang monsters/things from generic things from movies they could fit in here.
SO our sergeant and random assorted crew (we have the hot pilot along with all the other generic characters of our beloved b movie casts.)
Apparently this massacure was those damn fifth dimensional aliens totally testing out their awesome l33t skills in halo and pwning all the nubz
well ok they were just fucking around with some new tech or some shit which makes human myths and other such things come to life. Yea I was pretty surprised to.
We had vampires, werewolf's, dinosaurs, giants bugs (what myth is THAT from?!) and zombies.
Along with these witty additions to the sci-fi genre we had some rebel human dudes and cyborgs.

With all this SHIT you'd really expect that the movie would be non stop action right? Wrong!
Apparently the director really loved going into detail about going around checking corridors.
I mean how many times do I have to F**king hear that damns sergeants voice say "Check your flanks* as they slowly make their way though a large open area as the camera shows a damn cyborg ogling them from the rafters.

When we actually get to the action its some of the sadest sort! Lest the cyborg shoot out. I mean
I can understand that cyborgs are metal and shit and can take a lot of bullets; still I mean if your programing a AI you'd think you'd give it SOME stratigy right?! No of course not we'll just have it stand in the open with a pistol (WTF?!) in a five miniute shoot out with our beloved sergent.
Other fight scenes include our sergent meeting a friend from the "war" who turned rebel and they now fist fight to the death, as well as a random dude going off to take a leak and getting zomged by zombies.
I could go on and on!
But I have to get to the next movie >.> But to sum it up what I hated most was the fact that they actually had 3-d and the rebels/squads actually had relitively cool costumes.
I hate the misuse of good costumes
SOME OF US DON'T HAVE MONEY TO WASTE ON SHIT AZZ MOVIEZ!

Onto the sequal (which was announced at the end credits of the first as the sergent flew away in his shippyship being followed by an apparent Star Trex rip-off wannabe.)

Sadly enough this movie was better; this was the sorta b movie I watch b movies for.
Yea sure you could tell the cast/director realized he was making shit ass movies and decided to add in some porno graphic elements but I mean its the realization thats key in any good bad movie.
The intro of this movie baffled me; from what I could tell was this;
Intel says go in the fucking ice.
The fucking ice is cold
Everyone fucking hates the Intel
Intel is a pmsing bitch on high heals
Fifth dimension aliens apparently are to poor to make their cyborgs look different from the first one.
Snow worms are more deadly then most any gun wielding alien
Never expect evil rival guys from the last movie to be actually be dead; they aren't
Fifth dimension aliens think reviving evil rival guys are lolz worthy.
it was lolz worthy.

OKOKOK- yea still bad as hell but at lest this time there wasn't as much damn corridor walking/flank checking and more sorta reasonable shoot outs (ok not really)
I mean honestly I liked it because of the apparent suckness of all the squad members, I seriously lost track of how many of them died to hidious snow monsters, perverted rival evil guys, and cool ass bag wearing fuckers.
I think the only thing I'd change would be to have more of those bag wearing fuckers
those fuckers were cool
cool as fuck.
Also leave out those damn porno partz! I mean I know your trying to get me to watch this movie but come on I RENTED A MOVIE CALLED THE MEZZO CONSPIRACY!!! Its not like I'm expecting some god dang political romance novel.
AND WERE THE HELL WAS THE CONSPIRACY?!?!?!
It was the ice.